Epiphany Regarding Education and the Productive Use of Time
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Last night I had something of a profound realization anticipating the first day of my final semester in college: I love being here. I have always been in a massive hurry to get on to more adult stages of life, especially in high school which is a period that didn’t produce a lot of happy memories. With that in mind, I have tried to appreciate the experience of being in college, bask in the the age-appropriateness of it. Even so, I have, for the past couple of years, have been struggling with what seemed to be a kind of protracted detainment in an environment exhausted of its resources ushered in by a bout of depression at the end of sophomore year from which it has taken a lot of time and hard work for me to bounce back.
Since about April, the goal of switching gears from Government to Fine Art and some time in grad school has provided me with energizing focus and a much-needed infusion of discipline. Last night I was scanning negatives from break, another positive reinforcement of focus and discipline, and I realized, rather quickly and startlingly, that approaching school this way makes it pretty fun. It has taken me this long to figure out my direction and find my rhythm, and now it’s time to leave? I’m going to miss all these educative conflicts; battling to keep regular hours and eat consistently and at normal times, grappling with absurd ideas for ridiculous papers, mustering all my intellectual capacity to meet some professors astronomical standards - but with absolutely no stakes.
I am an expert at creating opportunities for myself; I am equally adept at squandering them. I wish that I had found all of this earlier to have this experience for a longer period of time when I think of all the things I could have learned last year but didn’t. I wish I had worked harder sooner and maybe even had gone to NYU when I had the opportunity. These aren’t regrets per se, just sort of acknowledgments of what I now know that I am really capable of.
In response to a certain British novelists suggestion that, for me, Yale or Columbia, or some such place, would serve as a shortcut into the gallery system - it would be fantastic if they were, but that’s not what this next step is immediately about. I have been operating below capacity for so long and now that I’m finally able to push myself and reap the benefits, stopping before I’m really done soaking it all in seems like the worst possible thing I could do for myself. It is remarkable that the British novelist in question found her way to my humble blog, so I would like to thank her for doing so and triggering this evaluation of my intentions.
Fucking a. Now I’m going to get something to eat in the dinning hall before going to do other collegey things. Cause in a few more months, it’s all going to be over.
January 19th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
This is the best piece of self evaluation I have read in a while, from anyone.
Kinda reminded me of Hugh Prather’s “Notes to Myself”
January 28th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Hi,
I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog :-)
Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day :)